Frustration Station

Yesterday was by far one of the most frustrating days of my life. Punch the wall, throw a chair, head against the wall……thump, thump, thump. Scream in the phone and then plead for forgiveness because you know that Tracy’s fate lies in the hands of this faceless voice who controls your life. So nice……, “I can hear your frustration, what a frustrating situation, I am so sorry.” Until you have been faced with this there is no possible way you can know what this is like.

I would listen to people talk about insurance companies with distain and think…hum? Frustration so deep and disappointing that it is hard to believe that this is the reality.

“You have no out of network benefits”

“Yes I do, with a Primary Care Physician’s referral”

“That is only for outpatient consultation”

“We had a consultation, he looked at the CT scans, and made a decision to have surgery”

“You didn’t actually see him”

“How am I supposed to get her there. I can’t transport her with Insurance approval”

“I don’t know”

“Ok….Since the Hospital is in Network, we will pay for the Doctor’s fees and you will cover the Hospital.”

“Can’t do that, cause you are seeing an out of network doctor”

“It is two separate bills”

“Still can’t”

“Ok…you say you have a Doctor at UCSF, Who is It?”

“Well I called up there and asked if anybody could do this type of Surgery, and apparently Dr. Reis can.”

“Wait….wait…..can or has?”

“I don’t know”

“WHAT?……I have a Doctor, who is a world class guy scheduled to operate on Tuesday, at a network Hospital, and you want me to go see somebody who MAY be able to do this. With no guarantee that he will even take Tracy on as a patient?”

“You are going to have to call back when you are more calm.”

“Click”

Call back……please, please answer……

“Sorry….I am under a lot of pressure here.”

“I know….I am so sorry. I know this is frustrating.”

Really, do you, tell me how you know. My wife has been lying in a hospital bed, can’t move without pain, scheduled to have surgery and you want me to go find somebody else that may be able to do it.

“Thanks”

“You could try Santa Clara Valley Hospital, they have a good rehab center.”

“Do they have a doctor that can perform this type of surgery?”

“I don’t know”

On and on….battling, fighting. Frustration …..crying, wondering.

What now? Talked to Eric and we decided to work out a deal with Saint Johns and Dr Matta for a cash deal to get the operation done. Then try to get something out of the insurance company later. Go to their office and start shooting……make the nightly news.

Breaking News…..Husband goes postal and blows up insurance office……then goes down in flames……..Mother F’rs.

Talked with Tracy and decide we would bite the bullet and pay for it, how ever we could……go into to debt, get some help….whatever. She is worth every penny. Tried to sleep…woke up at 3:00 am thinking of lawsuits and doctor bills and my beautiful wife laying in pain……and most importantly getting her fixed. It is amazing that we have to devise a plan, a way to make it work.

Morning……..

Got a call from Nancy, a good friend called and asked if we had thought of using Dr. Eric Lindval from Community Medical Center in Fresno. Man….I don’t want to go down that road…..Well…. call her and ask her if he does this sort of thing……What are the chances? Not very good…only a few people do this types of surgeries.

Waiting………..

Tracy’s Dad Charles and his wife Cyndi come in around 8:00 am. Their son-in-law, Rubin, is in the medical field and works down south. He sent out an e-mail to some colleges asking if there are any other doctors out there that have trained under Dr. Matta. He calls back…….Dr. Lindval has worked under Matta and is the head of the Regional Medical Trauma Center here in the Berg.

Ok…….Hanson and Dr. Thomas discuss it and they agree that he has a very good reputation and is capable and qualified to perform the operation……we get on the phone, and Hanson gets a call…….a brief synopsis of Tracy’s situation ensues and he agrees to look at her films…….we get a copy run them down to community and hand them off………now we wait……more waiting……oh God the waiting is just killing me.

Waiting……what will he say…..can he do it….the benefits are obvious….Surgery in Fresno……no long hard transfer, Dr Hanson can help with the management. But if not….we go to Santa Monica and pay cash.

Waiting…..Try to sleep…..More cafeteria food. Not bad here at Saint Agnes…….I have the coffee routine down….Styrofoam cup, two creamers and a purple plastic stir stick.

3:45 pm

Got the call from Hanson…….Surgery with Lindval on Tuesday.

More to come later.

Saint Johns Hospital

Got a call from Eric today and Tracy needs to go down to Saints Johns Hospital in Santa Monica and have reconstructive pelvic surgery. She will be transferred on Friday and have surgery early next week.

Stupid Bike Racing!......

Momma!! We Love You!!

Tracy!

Sunday that dreadful feeling finally came....the one that comes but flys away so quickly once you finally see her in the group. They went by all gaped and looking like a bunch of club riders that don't know how to ride in a line. But this time she was not there.

As many of you know Tracy and Katie Norton crashed out of the Timpani Crit last Sunday. They were setting up with five laps to go and really pushing the pace. The field was being shred to pieces when a rider in front of Katie swerved and there was a touch of wheels and she went down. With no place to go Tracy collided with Katie and was thrown down hard on her right side smashing her helmet and taking a hard shot to her right hip.

Tracy was taken to El Camino Hospital in Mt View where they diagnosed her with a pelvic fracture (one xray taken from the front) and sent on her way after a dose of morphine. She was still in incredible pain and was screaming bloody murder as the hospital techs lifted her into our car. The drive home was rather uneventfully, but once home I still didn't know how we were going to get her in the house and on the bed. Any movement sent shock waves of excruciating pain into her right hip. Tracy's mom drove down to the Fig Garden Fire Department and brought back three extremely helpful fire fighters to help with the task. We lowered all the seats in the Toyota and brought a backboard in from the back. Using the sheet still underneath her from El Camino we lifted her onto the backboard and carried her into our room and on the bed.

With a full prescription of Vicodin in hand she began to sleep the next day away as I scrambled to get her x-rays to our orthopedic Surgeon and friend Eric Hanson. By Monday evening he had taken a look and I knew from his voice we had just begun the process. An ambulance picked her up and she was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday morning. CTscans, X-rays, and blood work ensued.

General surgeon, frequent participant in the Tuesday morning world championships, and all around good guy, Ming Lee was notified by Eric of our status and he was there to evaluate the results of the blood work and to take a first look at the pictures. It is important to look at what is happening inside since many pelvic fractures result in internal bleeding and damage to the GI track and bladder. Often times these type of injuries result in an Illeus, or a general shut down of the GI track that can limit the ability to digest and process fuel.

Ming came in and the first thing out of his mouth was, "oh Man, what a hit, how fast were you going?"

I am thinking, "This is not good."

Ming goes on to explane that Tracy has multiple complex fractures of her pelvis that may require surgery and transport to a specialist at Stanford or some other far away land.

Ok....

I am sent over to Eric's office and together with Dr. Thomas, their PA and Cat 2 racer Greg Mellor, we start going over the X-ray's and CT Scans. She has broken her Iliac crest from the top all the way down to the asetabulum (hip socket) leaving a huge gapping space. She has also fractured her pubic bone, or the lower portion of the pelvic ring. The combination of the breaks creates an unstable situation that may need to be repaired with surgery. She is in an extreamly fragile position. Surgery would definitely be required if the cup that holds the femur (asetabulum) was offset, or uneven. If the bone is allowed to heal in the offset position major issues arise. Fortunately this is not the case with Tracy, but the instability of the Iliac may require some work.

So I ask, "What are we going to do?"

A flurry of conversation ensues and ideas, discussion and thoughts spoken aloud are shared, "What about Motta?"

The guru of hip reconstruction (Joel Motta) works out of Santa Nella Hospital down in So Cal.

How are we going to get to him?

A rep that happens to be at Saint Agnes Hospital in Fresno works directly with him and a meeting was arranged to get the films to him and he would get them to Motta to advise on the possible options.

So Tracy sits and waits.........in the Hospital for two days now, we should know her fate tomorrow afternoon.

I will report on what happens in the next couple of days.

There have been a few requests for our address to send thoughts and encouragements. They are all appreciated.

Thanks

Tim

505 E. Swift Ave

Fresno, CA

93704

Don't Stop this Train

This morning on the AM ride of Destruction i had my white phones in and was grooving to take my mind off the thousandth time riding up to the store. Attacked at the base of bubble gum and was really motoring. G Mellor was behind me. I am really working.....sweating, breathing and my legs were full and looking ready to explode when I here G....." Keep this pace" He sounds like he is barely breathing hard. Can't do and pull out....Stone can't pull through and I get back on the front to keep at it. The rest of the crew are long gone......although i couldn't even look back. My heavy breathing would have blown me over if I had looked back. Turn the corner and G says....."Now accelerate"...What.....Dude I am going full gas........OTB.

Anyway.....we are heading back and John Mayer comes on.....Acoustic Guitar....Stop this train.......I look up and see 7 or 8 guys in front. Legs spinning in sync.....spinning, chugging.....motering.....Wide smile......Don't Stop this train. What an analogy for life......can't stop the train....we just keep chugging along. Hows the ride?

Stop this train....i want to get off and go home again

I can't take the speed its moving in.

I know I can't, but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older

I am only good at being young

I play the numbers game

to find a way to say that life is just begun.

Love is the only thing that seems to freeze time and make us forget it all

This Chicken not from Foster Farms

I love bike racing. It is in my blood. Clean, pure, blood with hematacrit of 42. Could never win the tour with that, but who could. Not with guys like the Chicken racing. Today he was pulled and deep down I knew that dude just wasn't right. No telling what or who is in his blood. I have to say it is sad, but it seems that now people are getting serious about this whole doping deal.

I say, "kick them all out forever."

Nice!!

Super Sexy!!!!

Moving On

There comes a time when you know your ready…..when things feel right and the place your at seems to not. Moving on to other things to other experiences. This is a context in which many events in life can be placed. Many important places; Job, City, Girl/Boyfriend…….Important steps, decisions in ones life. Racing your bike may not seem like something that falls into this category and require such perspective, but when you can’t shake it out of your mind, it never lets go and you find yourself visualizing the race weeks before it happens, you know what place it has in your life………The Passion…….The addiction…….the need. David Walsh put it this way,

"The severity of the sport examined a man's character, illuminating his nobility but also addressing his baser instinct. Perhaps most of all, it offered a challenge that allowed man to transcend his everyday self."

Sunday caused me to do something on Monday I have thought about since I was a kid. Moving on…. up to see how fast they really are. The first time I saw a bike race I knew it was for me, eventually. It took 20 years to get to the point where I was comfortable enough to deal with the pain of training and racing. When I was 12 and did my first bike race I was dropped. The next one…dropped. Dropped, Dropped, Dropped.

Up to that point I had been doing open junior races and competing against kids 4 to 6 years older than me. Men amongst boys, beards and all, sweaty dudes racing against me, the skinny kid. Then I went to Snelling and did a 12-14 junior race. I remember riding in the pack, listening to the riders shout at each other, rubbing wheels, and standing on the pedals as we rolled up the smaller hills, the group, the people at the start finish yelling…….it could have been just 10 people, but the noise was deafening. I remember feeling good. I remember thinking about setting up on the outside coming around the last turn and launching with 100 meters to go……..Throw my arms up and releasing the frustration of a years worth of getting dropped. F’n A that felt good. I still remember it vivid, fresh, yesterday, implanted in my memory…….See the mark and go….don’t hold back, go with everything you got…….after the line… spent, overjoyed, blown….what a rush.

You see the line coming, nothing else, nobody around, you might as well be all by yourself. Last Sunday it happened again, except this time I knew, I had been visualizing it all week, thinking about it, living it over and over again in my mind. Wait, wait…see the line and go…don’t hold back, pull with your arms, put your head down and explode. But…….. this time it was as if I had already done it….seen it, experienced it, expected it. I knew……….Time to move on.


Now the hard part begins, the pain starts and the suffering will be inevitable. Before, I knew I had a chance to win every time I lined up, now, I must be satisfied with small things, little accomplishments, and when or if that moment ever comes again……It will feel just like it did so many years ago ……..after the line spent, overjoyed, blown….what a rush.

iphone

So.......I got one and I have to say it is pretty sweet. The phone has excellent sound quality and the photo/email/web browser/ipods doohickeys are all great. Now I am going to be taking pictures and blabbing on the phone all day. Hopefully I can get some work done.

Its amazing

What a few cars can do. After getting dropped by Greg on the Casino Hill....Again....we were rolling back from the store today on the Tuesday morning suffer fest. Coming down Auberry....you know the stretch.....long as the summer is HOT...need to look two or three times to make sure you don't go too early. Yeah that stretch........Brian B, took a nasty pull at 35 and I kept trying to shift down, but, behold, I was already in the 11. I wish these went to 10......

I was thinking "B" your an animal. Jumped around Stone and Britter and rolled across the line at 39.2.....fastest sprint ever......I was feeling pretty good until I remembered that about 15 cars blew past us at that moment and I was simply getting sucked along

Well......felt good anyway.

Ah...to dream

Cathy Lynn Loper

59 years ago today the world changed forever for me. An event that went unnoticed by the world.....as most do, but this event has changed the lives of many. I don't really know much about that day.......it must have been warm...it is July 6th. Fitting.......warmth and comfort have come to many.

She came from an interesting background....eccentric uncaring parents that baffle us to this day. But somehow it seems at times ......Or..... I have to wonder..... can anybody care more. Nights when I would try to fall asleep, she would come in and rub my back until my eyes would get heavy and sleep would finally invade my mind.


She saved me and my brothers from adversity time and time again....grabbing us and shaking in her gentle motherly way until we would come to our senses. Though the years as all three of us wandered aimlessly through life.......my father would wonder what he could do to get us on the right track............."Jim.......The lord will deliver." She would say. It is amazing to me, now, what faith she has. Nothing means more to her than her family, yet she would leave our fate in the hands of the Lord. Always knowing we would come around. Have we?


I often think of her living in a tiny military shack in Saint John....a young beautifull girl....following my father wherever he needed to go.

She could be doing so many other things now....whatever she wanted, but her priorities are still the same......they have never changed. She is a lover of her familly......caring and wanting to help.....giving more than she needs, but never asking for praise. She is a great lady.

I love you Mom



Happy Birthday