Sometimes I just want to punch the wall. You fight, kick, scratch, everything comes together and then bang…..dust, puff of smoke, and it is gone. Frustration kicks you in the groin and then that annoying guy in the office walks in and you just want to yell, “Get the F*#K out of my face you freaking dumb ass. I don’t give a crap about the $5 iPhone cover that you got on ebay”.
Then you drive home. The lady in the Mercedes behind you with the big, trendy sunglasses, wrapping her lipstick lips on her Virginia Slims 110’s while talking on her cell phone just makes you want to puke. You just want to get home, then you barely miss the light at Gettysburg and Palm……stupid freaking light, there isn’t even anybody waiting. Fume……
I used to have a really bad temper. Would fly off the handle and get in somebody’s face for the smallest thing. I stuffed that rage and fought to bring about a calmer me, but sometimes the frustration builds and you need to vent. Deep down, I still rage. Fighting against the angst. If I don’t stuff it I have a tendency to be an asshole, speaking my mind, jumping all over someone for the smallest thing. Just like my Grandfather. He was, is, and will always be a big Asshole. God I don’t want to be like that, but when times get tough and deep breaths don’t work anymore I find myself slipping into that mold.
You work so hard to do something and still find the result lacking, and end up wondering what happened. I did everything right, trusted in the result, and still ended up disappointed. I have seen God work in my life so many times. He takes these situations and turns them into something better than you ever expected. One minute your wondering what the hell is going on, why did that happen and then the next day ….clarity. Something happens that makes it all crystal. You realize why this, or why that.
I know these things happen so that I learn to trust in Him, and find peace in the chaos and make my way through the traps of life. Stick it out in the hard times to reach the goal at the end of the road, but keeping your hands away from something that is working right, but you think needs fixing is incredibly hard.
Trust
Faith
They are hard words to put into practice when you want something so bad. When frustration and rage take over your critical thinking. Easier to fight, scratch, kick, force it to work………but deep down you know what the right path is.
Trust, Wait….Pray
Then you drive home. The lady in the Mercedes behind you with the big, trendy sunglasses, wrapping her lipstick lips on her Virginia Slims 110’s while talking on her cell phone just makes you want to puke. You just want to get home, then you barely miss the light at Gettysburg and Palm……stupid freaking light, there isn’t even anybody waiting. Fume……
I used to have a really bad temper. Would fly off the handle and get in somebody’s face for the smallest thing. I stuffed that rage and fought to bring about a calmer me, but sometimes the frustration builds and you need to vent. Deep down, I still rage. Fighting against the angst. If I don’t stuff it I have a tendency to be an asshole, speaking my mind, jumping all over someone for the smallest thing. Just like my Grandfather. He was, is, and will always be a big Asshole. God I don’t want to be like that, but when times get tough and deep breaths don’t work anymore I find myself slipping into that mold.
You work so hard to do something and still find the result lacking, and end up wondering what happened. I did everything right, trusted in the result, and still ended up disappointed. I have seen God work in my life so many times. He takes these situations and turns them into something better than you ever expected. One minute your wondering what the hell is going on, why did that happen and then the next day ….clarity. Something happens that makes it all crystal. You realize why this, or why that.
I know these things happen so that I learn to trust in Him, and find peace in the chaos and make my way through the traps of life. Stick it out in the hard times to reach the goal at the end of the road, but keeping your hands away from something that is working right, but you think needs fixing is incredibly hard.
Trust
Faith
They are hard words to put into practice when you want something so bad. When frustration and rage take over your critical thinking. Easier to fight, scratch, kick, force it to work………but deep down you know what the right path is.
Trust, Wait….Pray
Trust, Wait….Pray
Eventually…..the door will open.
1 comment:
Wow - I can certainly identify with your soliloquy - to a T - while I don't know the impetus or underlying circumstances for this entry - I hear you loud and clear!!!
I am hoping that some woman to woman time and perhaps a few beers with your wife when I get home will give me some perspective :-)
Felicia
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