The itch, the twitch, the need. What is it worth to love doing something? When you see someone you love hurt, broken, because of the passion. A game. The question ..........It comes around..................Not from me, but from others. You hear it in their voices, and they change the subject.
Do you continue?
I have never thought about stopping, the risk, the ......the ......Passion.
I have always been a overly competitive person. Hyper competitive. Toss in speed, arching turns and wind in the face. Rubbing elbows, going cross eyed and drooling. Ramp it up and throw down at 35, ...........BANG........hooked.
When I was younger there were many times when apologies flowed over competitive juice. Make or break friendships over a game. Rage, angst.....flex your muscles.....yell, scream and kick the cooler.
Sorry Man..........Heat of the moment. Some understand, some don't.
Years ago I learned that I was better, without the rage. Control is good, breath deep, focus on the moment.
Ball sport stopped being that years ago, but there has always been a need, a something to channel the competitive blood. For a long time climbing filled it, but in a different way. Pushing your limits while terrified. The battle was against yourself, mostly your own mind. Doing something that requires skill, strength, balance, precision all the while fighting your minds inner demons that chant at you to quit. Failure was terrifying at times, but when you conquer...................Nice
Climbing long routes in Yosemite was an all encompassing deal. Think about it for weeks before. Get mentally ready, prepare for the pain, the fear, the...............freedom that comes with the torture. Rise up above the trees and view the world in a whole new light. Find yourself in amazing places, experiences that shape you. But still......... climbing was the best when it was over.
There were times when I just didn't want to do it. Didn't want to get scared, fall, mix physical hardship with mental struggle. A long time climbing veteran described climbing in this way.
"Climbing isn't fun. Climbing is like being put in prison for seven days with a loaded gun to your head the whole time."
Some can do it at a high level forever, some can't.
Cycling and racing is the physical challenge with the mental edge. Without the fear.......I had been down that road and now I needed the fun. That is why cycling has become such a focus in my life. The need to push the body, to feel the power that the muscles can generate, yet challenge the mind. I looked for it.
I had found it again. Now...........Stop............it is hard to even think about.
The underlying tone.
The ones closest to me who understand........understand. I don't need to do it forever.....am I being a child here. A spoiled little brat.......I want, I need, I need.
How much is it worth to me?
Comes down to this. Is this what I am supposed to be doing? What does God need me to do? I AM asking the question, needing to know the answer.
I put this team together ( http://www.vaporracing.com/) and everything fell into place. Sponsors, riders, great base to build from. It all came together by design. It was an amazing thing to watch, to be a part of.
The wins rolled in....kept moving up. Now I am there and I want to see how I match up, spread the name of the club and get the The Word out.
I struggle with how stopping now makes sense. Now.......Stop Racing?
Is racing really what the team is about? I just can't seem to come to grips with the thoughts. Can't seem to decide now, don't really want to think about it now. The focus now is on healing and support. Health and strength. Think about the thoughts.
Interesting thoughts....
7 comments:
give yourself time
and eventually, you'll know
(she says as if she had figured it out herself)
The trouble most of us have is controlling that itch and not focusing on the other things that are important in life. We would all love to see you racing again (especially since you took your upgrade, the 3's will be easier)but come back when it makes sense. It will be much better in the end, and with your abilities it won't be a problem.
Tim,
I say you just sit back and take a nice looooooong break and don't work too hard. Then maybe next season, some of us, your early morning training partners, will be able to sit on your wheel for a few more miles than usual before we get the dust-off! (Did I mention that your break should be loooooong?)
ck
My name is Doug Loper (no relation)For years my passion was riding and training horses. Then on Jan.1, 1991 my wife was thrown from a horse and landed on her head. She was in a coma and lost everything but her memory. Thus began a 2 1/2 year recovery. She is still paralyzed on one side of her body. God still blessed us with 3 great kids since then. We spent a few years not taking any risks and not being very active. We were miserable. Then we dedided to live life again and trust that God would open and/or close doors for us. Now my wife races around in the mountains on a Honda quad. She also enjoys going on long rides on her very heavy 3 wheel bicycle. We are happy once again and our kids feel it. My advice to you would be to love your wife and kids with the same passion you have for racing. Help her heal and when the time is right get back in the saddle again.
Doug
Thanks for your thoughts and Insight. It comes at a good time.
Loper is not a very common name. How did you find this Blog?
T
I am new to cycling and am training for my first century, the Tour de Tucson. I was reviewing results from a criterium and saw your name. I found the Vapor Racing website which led me to your blog. Yes, Loper is an uncommon name. My Great Grandparents came from Iowa and Connecticut. My Grandparents and parents were born and raised in the Fowler/Selma area. Perhaps I will join the Vapor Team at some point.
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